and then it was dark..

I am not convinced that I made the right
choice
In fact I feel horrible.
Did I act too quickly.
Did I listen to Sam's words
with the best intention,
but with poor judgement around what a
four year old
(even such an aware one) knows about
where he is, or where he wants to be

Can you tell that I talked to the director
of the current school
and the teachers
who were shocked, saddened
and confused.

Now they tell me how
happy he is,
how bright this star shines
how much everyone loves him here...

Now they tell me about the
weekly progress reports,
and photo journals they were keeping
and how if I had just asked
they would have shown me

BUT I DID ASK

and all I was told was that he was

fine.

And fine is just not a word I have
ever been
comfortable with.

A decision that is done
and done and done

feels thick
and undigested in my
swirling what ifs

had I had a partner
to have gone in and asked where
I was getting nowhere

or to have heard another
side of Sam's story
then what else might I be writing
about tonight?

It's not like
me to second guess
to wonder if my instinct needle
is set to true north

or not.