Saturday, February 28, 2009

At a loss

Wracked with doubt since last night about sam's new placement. Did I move Sam to the new school for reasons that I thought would justify this huge transition for him? It has only been a week, but yesterday at pick up, the teachers tell me that they "both want to have a conversation with me about how I get Sam to be, to be, to be less uh, to be more checked in, and here, and just you know listening to what you need.."


That parental dread feeling washed over my insides in one three second woooosh. Sam's not working out. Sam doesn't belong here. Sam is not listening. They don't like Sam. They are not connecting with him. He will not make friends here. What a mistake I have made. Is it too late to move him back to his old school??

The teachers are lovely, and they love Sam. The school is ethnically, racially, economically diverse. They school is accredited, subsidized, flooded with light, and has the biggest playground in all of Portland. These things seemed so important at the time..

However his new teachers are not parents themselves. Parents of boys. Parents of active boys like his old teacher was. She got him. She is also an adoptive mom. And his other teacher started crying when he left. They adored him.

Why didn't I get that?

And Marcel and him were together in the same building where they were had each other. They both loved that. In 4-6 months they new school will have a spot for M too.

What kind of a message am I giving if I say--well that didn't work, we gave it a week--time to beg and plead to go back to the old school. Am I showing that I am not afraid of admitting I was wrong? Or am I showing him it's OK to give in, and give up at the first sign of dis-ease.

Friends say to trust my instinct. Others say to wait it out.

Sam was crying and pleading with me to go back to the old school last night.

These are the moments when I so wish I had a partner who felt as invested in the outcome as I do. Who lived with this boy day and night and could help me see through the trees to the beach, or through the leaves to the swamp, or pick an idiom that works cause I'm at a loss.

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