Saturday, October 24, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

Feel overwhelmed in an
underwhelming way.

Post op blues+
Mothering fatigue+
Single parent burn out+
New England winter dread+
Five years of sleep deprivation+
adds up.

Guilt slithers at my ankles
the sanity in a choice
to parent alone



Sam doesn't choose to listen to much these days.
His processor is on a
personal leave of absence.

Family therapist says this is all related
to my getting sick
and physically compromised
for a few weeks.

Supermom-unstoppable-pick up two boys
at once while
cooking dinner-with one hand
and grocery shopping with the other

as she dribbles a soccer ball-
and paints her just repaired wall-
before writing the poem-
to the smell of the pie baking
and the second night time story being read
all with one eye on her homework-
the bills-and the calendar while
riding a horse sized chicken
to the moon

is not getting out of bed today.

Imagine, the therapist says,
if you were told all your young life
that your mother
couldn't care for you the way she needed to
so she chose
to place you
with another mother...

Imagine then that mother can't
care for you the way she needs to
so she asks for help
for a few days
or a week
then two.

Imagine what this means to you

Mothers who can't care for you

disappear into a frame
on the book shelf.

Weaned Marcel
when the medicines were too strong
and untested for transmission
through to a little healthy kidney
and beyond.

And, it was time.

And, we're both stumbling
to recover
our footing on that
one as he boroughs into my neck
for a cuddle
and squeezes my hand
as he cries to nurse.

I hold him tight,
folded back into his
Mama's right here.
Her I am.

Maybe all of this perceived
leaving is leaving
me perceiving
my own deep




No comments: