Saturday, October 17, 2009

This is where you'll find me*

This is where you'll find me
whenever I stop
wiping the counter and
folding the clothes or
mapping out the rest of the week
in yet another to do list, today.
And this is where you'll find me
when the papers are graded,
the dog hair swept up,
and the bills to be avoided just stay put-
so I can sit in the rocker and hold


in my imagination. Pushing off into next
month? Next year? When?
When will I find you here
in my arms-
wriggling, wiggling, drooling, crying, giggling, cooing,
and wondering just how
you arrived here
with me from wherever you may be now
in your birth mother's belly

listening to her muffled laughing or
singing or crying into you her hopes
for the little miraculous one you will grow up to be
away from her. Outside of that
unfathomable moment when you

arrive here

where I'm waiting
for you unfolding the baby clothes I've collected
in between the dreams I've collected,
and the future I've coveted
watching you crawl
then walk,
then run into this,
our room, our house calling "Mom"
always knowing that this is where you'll find me.

* posted here from my personal archives in honor of Kathy and Jeff and the
imminent arrival of their son Matthew any day now.

(Originally written in October 2004, weeks before Sam's birth mother chose me to be Sam's everyday mom. It is wild for me to retype this here, remembering all the feelings I had, complicated, raw, hopeful, sad, enormous feelings I had months before my parenthood began through the mosaic and miracle of adoption.)


Kathleen said...

Catherine: I was so moved that you posted this poem in our honor. Matthew will be in our arms in just a few short weeks, and we can't wait. The feelings evoked in this poem describe exactly what is in my heart. Just last night, I was sitting in the new glider rocker, just sitting there, dreaming and imagining what it would be like to finally have him here with us, to finally be the parents we've longed to be for so many years. Thank you, Catherine. You have made my Monday (and not without a few happy tears).

Kathleen said...

Another quick note: I have been unable to locate your email address anywhere on your blog (at least, anywhere that I can see...perhaps b/c I'm a guest and not the blog owner?). At any rate, my email address is if you ever want to email me directly vs. using our blogs!

Angie said...

I'm also very happy for Kathleen! So glad she put your link on her blog. She and I connected via the internet also. I'm also waiting to be matched with our child through open domestic adoption. Your poem is spectacular! I too, have a glider in the baby's room and just the last two days have been folding clean baby clothes. (my friend's threw us a shower). So exciting but so excruciating not knowing when we can hold our baby!!
Thank you for sharing.