Sunday, March 8, 2009

face plant

Maybe the hardest part about it was that we were having a really good weekend. You know, lots of outdoor time, almost no yelling, and at the very moment when he announced it the baby was napping and he and I had just finished thirty uninterrupted minutes of mommy-sammy time drawing pictures and doing mazzes and connect the dots at his request. I felt almost award winning at the time. I am in the small bathroom putting some clean clothes away (it doubles as a walk in closet) when I hear; "Mom, I wish Eddie was my mom." My rib cage turned to sand and I collapsed internally. (Eddie is our friend, his now retired 21 year old nanny.) What woud you have said?

It really is a blur how poorly I handled the situation, but it went something like I have feelings too, and how would you feel if.. and just go in the other room because I need a few minutes alone. Basically I relinquished all medals at that point. I redeemed myself several minutes later when his guilt had bought him several hundred hours of future therapy credits. I said I understood that he loves Eddie, and she is family isn't she. I went on to ask what I could do more of that Eddie did that he might be needing. He twisted the knife deeper with his immediate response to that too; "just hang out with me more."

So the kid can share his feelings, and certainly has no problem in the attachment arena some of you might be saying. Nice try. Oh and then later he is dancing around the living room singing his birthother's name punctuated by the words "love, love, love" in a Beatles kind of refrain. If I had hours to list them, you would be privy to an impressive array of my insecurities that were dancing next to him on that dance floor.

We ended the weekend with leftovers, Star Wars, chocolate brownies and whip cream. He got a line up in the tub, and wrote his name, and mine (he can't spell Eddie yet) on the wall of the tub in shaving cream. After M went to bed, Sammy and I read three stories, cuddled and reviewed the highlights of the weekend. He said the best part was licking the spoon to the brownies, and the bike ride- until he fell, but that was cool too. He reminded me that he would be coming in my bed later if he woke up. I knew it was time for me to get more exercise when I wanted to tell him that it was too bad Eddie was out of town, or else I'm sure she'd welcome a late night wake up call.

I have to go find a way to scrub the pencil drawing he put on the new futon cover, and then patch his favorite jeans or I'd write more.

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